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It's Not What I Say

Care Conference 2000

Patron of Care Scholarship Program

Light Notes

My Seventh Friend

And The Winners Are . . .

The Alphabet

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It's Not What I Say
Listen for (and respond to) Feelings!

Dr. James R. Kok

Usually we connect helpfully with others when we respond to their emotions in that moment.

The trouble is that few will tell us directly what they are feeling. They talk about what happened, but seldom add how they are feeling about it. For instance, Jane says, “My grandmother died yesterday,” but does not explain that she is feeling sad about it. She doesn’t have to. Most clear-thinking adults move automatically to that conclusion. An excellent response says, “Oooh that’s sad.”

Too often well-meaning friends forget to say the feeling words. Instead they slide into the factual side of things without giving a clue that they recognize the emotional component (sadness, in this example). So their queries go like this: “How old was she?” “What did she die of?” “Was it expected?”

continued

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“Weep With Those Who Weep” is the sixth in a series of articles by Dr. James R. Kok on the essentials for a caring person.

A handful of basic tools —wrapped in courage— are the keys to open doors.

Dr. Kok believes there are 10–12 key concepts of which every caring person should be aware in order to step out as an effective friend and support-person.

They range from “naming the elephant” to “peace, peace when there is no peace”.

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