Ask People to Help You
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“But he continued to insist, so I reluctantly let him go ahead. To my surprise, it turned out he had worked in a bike shop in high school, and he quickly fixed Larkin’s bike. Grateful that the problem was easily solved, I thanked him profusely, and we continued towards our house.
“Then I realized an opportunity. I have devised a motivational system for Larkin in order to help her engage in activities that she tends to hang back from. She gets points whenever she stretches herself into uncomfortable situations and the points add up to cash. So I suggested to Larkin that when we got back to our house, it would help her with points and the fund she's building if she went back and asked Bjorn to play soccer with her. She said, ‘Ok, I guess I don’t have to spend ALL my time with you, right?’ So she loaded up her gear in a duffel bag, and headed back over to Bjorn’s house.
“Later, while I was sitting in the backyard watching a rabbit and a hot-red cardinal in the bright green grass, I could see the two children playing together. Larkin and Bjorn both attend Lincoln School across the street and I could hear them laughing and jabbering away. A new friendship had formed as the result of a broken-down bike, fixed by a stranger, whose helpfulness I had tried to resist.”
Julie's misfortune had turned into a rewarding experience.
Ordinarily the most predictable sentence given in response to someone saying, “Here, let me help you”, is this: “Oh no, that’s okay, I can do it.” The objection might come in a different version, but most folks seem to think they are supposed to reject such offers, or they just resist intuitively. Some people feel that letting others help is taking advantage of them, or using them, or that there is a risk of obligating oneself.
Every encounter carries some kind of uncertainty or risk. But allowing people to help, and even asking for their assistance, is often an act of kindness. It commonly lifts the other’s spirits and makes them feel valued and worthwhile. It is love in disguise.
It may be a good idea for us to go back to decades ago when kids were asked by their mother to “please run next door and borrow a cup of flour”. It was a time when mothers did a lot of home cooking and running to the store was a once-a-week outing. Neighboring was part of life, shortages were common and such missions were evidence of the mutual support built in the community. Neighbors were there for each other.
In that spirit of community, I went over to a neighbor who lives a couple of houses south of us. We had a large backyard potluck scheduled for that evening and I wondered about using his very wide driveway to park three of our guests’ cars. While a little surprised at first, the man quickly warmed up to the idea. As I left, I was certain the man himself was feeling very positive about having something to offer us and I felt a good, fresh connection with him. Requesting a favor from him was good for both of us.
Asking for another person’s help can be a form of love. It is a form of kindness where we have given up control but, admittedly, there is usually a little risk involved. Requesting a favor puts the cards in the other person’s hands. It relinquishes the certainty about what will happen next.
That mild uncertainty usually feels a little “nervous”. However, as moderate as this anxiety is, it is a necessary component of living for Jesus. We must constantly be nudging ourselves toward others and finding ways to brighten and benefit them.
Accepting help is very much like being able to accept gifts, which can be a spiritual stretching point. That is, we must quiet and even cancel the reflex that cries, “I must pay him back for this.” Accepting help, in most instances, should be regarded as a gift. (Of course, there are exceptions where the nature of the gift is costly or in some way requires recompense.)
Offering help is also risky because there exists the possibility of being rejected. It is likely that our failure to offer help is probably not the fear of being turned down, but rather, because we do not feel connected with others. We feel independent and separate, rather than as sisters and brothers walking life’s pathways together. That is why offering help is good. It builds fellowship with others. But it may have to start with a decision in our brain until the feelings of kinship grow stronger.
Christian living must not be a ‘playing it safe’ way of life. A moderate sense of risk must live in our hearts. We are obligated to find ways to push into new territory in order to brighten the world. Asking people for help and accepting the assistance of others fits that viewpoint. Playing it safe and protecting ourselves is not what Jesus wants from us. When we trust that such behavior is people-enriching, and a form of loving-kindness, our ‘play-it-safe’ mentality will begin to melt.
Furthermore, many people are hesitant to ask for help because they suspect the other person will feel ‘put upon’ or ‘taken advantage of.’ This is rarely the case. People LIKE being asked.
A friend of mine, Don Heinlein, is a whiz at helping people with televisions, computers, sound equipment, and electronics—stuff that most of us can’t understand. I have hesitated to ask him for help because everybody asks him and he is undoubtedly getting tired of it. Wouldn’t you feel the same fear of asking a guy like this for help?
Here is Don’s side of it: “Why am I always helping to fix people’s computers, TV’s, and other devices? The answer is simple. I find it a challenge to probe and solve problems. It's also good for me physically, intellectually, and emotionally.”
There is part of his secret—he, himself, benefits from it! He goes on to say, “I enjoy the one-on-one meeting with people. I get to know them better and they get to know me better. There is a relationship that begins and that is what Jesus would want.”
So, the bottom line is that it’s OK to ask for help! Don’t be afraid of it. Don’t reject it when it is offered. If you are willing to receive the help, you will get something you are in need of, and the person providing the help will get the opportunity to feel helpful with something they are good at.
Will you do me a favor?
Take this to heart and try something.
